I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
