he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
