you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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