I just made out with a guy for $7.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
