i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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