And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
