i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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