sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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