The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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