When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
