im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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