Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
