I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
