There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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