He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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