i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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