true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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