1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
