Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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