if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
God, I missed his penis.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
