I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
