You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
