just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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