Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't deserve a penis
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Randomize
