Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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