I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
