my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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