So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
