People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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