Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
