never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
