I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
