There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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