think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
