like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
