at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just pee around me
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
