Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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