My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
