Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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