i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
