yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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