Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
