god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
