I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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