I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
