I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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