somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
