He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
