Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
