i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
